Let me start by apologizing for this rambling post, but sometimes the sugar coating has to stop. Sometimes, I need to purge and right now is one of those times.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, and I firmly agree with that statement. I moved here to Virginia to be by my parents so that when we had children, I would have help and my kids would have family. At the time, my youngest two siblings were here as well. It hasn’t been as perfect as I hoped, as I’ve seen with other families but it’s definitely been better than not being near them. I grew up rootless, unattached and quite frankly still have a terrible time attaching to anyone. Fast forward nine years and things sure have changed…
My brother and sister have left to pursue their own lives. My parents are now both unemployed (not by choice) and have just put their house on the market with plans to move to Texas. My village is leaving the state. As mad as I am for my kids and losing the dreams of having a tight knit family, I am having a terrible time thinking about the fact that not only are they leaving their grandkids, but they are leaving me.
And then to top it off, my dad is here today talking about my sister and how all three of our brothers called her last
night, urging her to hurry and come to Texas. Then he proceeds to say how often she feels alone, etc. Wow, the knife just twisted in my back. She feels lonely…really?!? What about me? Who is going to miss me…certainly not a single one of my siblings. For years, they have taken yearly trips together – planned for months. Not once have I been invited. Do you know how much that hurts, EVERY SINGLE TIME!
I know this situation has just been exacerbated by this past weekends hurt. I live on a street with 3 families that I consider friends: we share children’s duties, meals and general life on a very regular basis. This weekend on both Saturday and Sunday nights they all got together…their kids, them, they ate, they drank, they were merry…I assume. But I wasn’t invited. Oh and to make it worse, one of them sent their kids over here for hours without the courtesy to tell me when they returned or invite me literally across the street as they all got together. No, I was here, at home, watching all our kids wander in and out, making a mess of my house while I attempted to get ready for a social services visit. I have been unimaginably hurt by what I’m sure is their unintentional slight.
So right now, it really seems like my village is really abandoning us…and by us, I mean especially me!
What am I supposed to do with all these dreams I had for my kids of having their grandparents so close, having roots, having that idyllic childhood that I so wish I had? What am I going to do all alone…literally ALL alone.
All I’ve got right now are tears and questions and hurt and more questions.
Written the next morning…
Ok, again an apology. I should know better than to let my diarrhea of the mouth happen at night when I’m so vulnerable. But I will tell you that after letting all this out, I began to feel better. And right after logging off and shutting down for the night, I knew that I needed some music…you’ll never guess what song came to mind. You Are Not Alone and I’m not referring to the Michael Jackson version but rather the Downhere version (I’m including the video below so maybe it will speak to you as it did to me when I so desperately needed it.
Bottom line, I’m not alone and no one is abandoning me. They are living their lives and making their choices as they should. I have to own my own life and my own decisions. I am not alone, I want the life I have. In fact, I love the life I live!
So thank you for bearing with me in my momentary lapse of hope…