“It looks like you have had a stroke”

Those were the words calmly spoken by my local Med Express doctor on Sunday.  I just smiled and said “ok.”

What was I thinking??? Shouldn’t I fall apart and start tearing my clothes and whining about whoa is me?!  Shouldn’t I worry?  I did not.   I did none of those things.

I calmly walked out of the doctor’s office with the news that they would call me the next morning to tell me when to report for a CT Scan to assess the damage and went to Burger King to have lunch with my kids who had just gotten out of church after spending the night with their beloved Gramzi (my mom.)  Then I went home to meet Dre who was coming to take us spring clothes shopping for the kids and out to dinner at his favorite restuarant.

Then, at 9pm at night after the kids were tucked in, I sat down at my computer, pulled up WebMD, did my research and broke down.  A TIA, iso-something and some other kind of stroke.  Treatments, causes, chances of reoccurrence.  I was totally and completely freaked out.

A new pain, behind my right ear, oh no, I”m doing to die. So what did I do, call my mom, of course.  In her compassion, she says “Well, if you need to go to the hospital, drive the kids over here and I’ll watch them for you.” WHAT!!!!!  I’m having a stroke, I’m dying and you tell me “drive the kids over here” . . .

Ok, but that post is not about that.

So it’s 3 days later.  I’ve had all the blood I have available drawn out of me on two separate occassions.  Got brain x-rayed with a CT scan with a lovely and very painful drip of dye going in through my arm and spent two hours at a neurologist who originally told me they couldn’t see me until the end of April.

Now I’m to go tomorrow to have a brain MRI.  And the really lovely thing about it . . .

Well, I got a call today by the lab, who mind you I have already visited twice in the last two days.  They wanted to verify my information . . . again!  And then to tell me that the test was going to cost me $2500 dollars out of pocket before my insurance, who we pay over $1000 per month for (and NEVER use) would not cover it.  Are you kidding me?!?

So I promptly called the neurologist to ask if this test was absolutely necessary because I’m certain I’ve spent a couple months salary on the tests and dr. visits already.  They didn’t call me back, of course.  But I, in my infinite wisdom and desire to defy all odds, have decided that I am not dying.

My face may be a bit wonky, but I’ve had that before (Bell’s Palsy in 2002) and I may inadvertently bite my tongue when I chew or spit things out on accident.  But I am not paying $2500 for this stupid test!!!!  End of discussion.  I don’t know if I’ve had a stroke.  I figure my Bell’s Palsy has returned.  And I’m not going to spend my vacation money for the summer on this crap.

I’m sure the medical professionals I have seen are great and care about my health as much as they do anyones.  But I think more importantly they are COVERING THEIR A** in case something else is going on.  I will take full responsibility.  This is my testament to that.

And now, we will resume regular every day programming on this channel and in my life!

To your health,

~hope

Like my title.  Yes, I’ve been reading my regular blogs and all their titles are eye catching and intriguing, I’m just not made that way.  I can’t come up with something witty on the fly.  My specialty is sarcasm as pretty much anyone who has ever spoken to me knows.  And yes, it does get me in trouble quite a bit as people who don’t know me, think I’m being serious and then feelings get hurt and people cry (men and women alike) and then I feel bad and then I have to apologize and explain . . . you get the drift.  And no matter how much I try to control my mouth, it just keeps running, full of sarcastic remarks.  So there you have it.  I’m sarcastic, I know it and if you don’t like it, well, get over it.

I just checked my Post list and I have almost a dozen posts that I have started and not finished over the last several weeks.  And frankly, I think I’m just going to delete them all.  This is my no holds barred place to chat about me, my life, the munchkins, my work, etc. but sometimes, somethings are just too hard to share even on this seemingly anonymous platform.  So I’m going to delete them and just start afresh now and it’s nice to be able to do that . . .

So what’s new, old and everything in between??  Well, so much has happened in the last three weeks that I’ve decided just to post highlight bullets and then do quick and detailed posts on them as I have time AND more importantly I figure out how to transfer movies from my video camera that my dad got me for Christmas to the computer.  I have finally figured out how to watch them on the TV, so step 1 done.

Here it is:

• Three weeks of travel – roadtrip style – for me and the munchkins.  When we got back Sunday night, Hannah immediately asked when we were going back and Cade wanted to know when we could stay in another hotel.  I believe both of my children have my travel bug.  And that makes me happy.
• Two days of skiing school for both kids.  I hadn’t planned on Cade going, wasn’t sure he could/would handle it well, but he shocked me and did AWESOME the first day, not so much the second.  On the other hand, Hannah is a natural and was coming down the regular slopes on the second day like a pro.  I was a super proud mommy and caught a bit of it on video – yeah!!!
• First time ice skating for both munchkins and mommy hit the ice for the first time in over 10 years.  We switched this time, Cade was a natural and went out like a relatively stable beginner.  Hannah had to use the “walkers” provided for the first day but seemed to catch on the second.  Again, caught it on video.  Now Mommy was not so hot.  While I would like to blame it on rental skates, I fear that my ankles have just weakened that much since those grueling figure skating lessons so many years ago.  My head knows what to do, but I’m not sure my ankles can comply any longer.
• Stayed in some very cozy hotels with indoor pools and the kids LOVED being able to swim with the snow falling outside.  Mommy loved the jacuzzis after the days on the road.  Several times we were “stuck” at hotels so enjoyed it even more.
• Hannah conquered the United States puzzle I had brought along to serve as our geography lesson manipulative and can easily recognize most of the states when I make them “disappear.”  She can also trace the path we travelled and has already picked several other places we need to go.
• Cade got caught on video using his favorite word these days “hate” and has since suffered the consequences at the hands of many.  He was a handful of disobedience, defiance and disrespect for the majority of the trip.  He exhausted me and made me cry.  And most of the time, I don’t know what to do with him.  But on those rare moments where he smiles up at me or cuddles up close and falls asleep (and I do mean VERY rare,) I fall in love with my little man all over again.
• Got to spend time with and meet some clients whom I had never met in person before (and some I had) and it was AWESOME.  I am so grateful that my work allows me to travel and work from the road and meet these fascinating talented people whom I have the honor of working with.
• So everyone has a story of drama on a trip.  With only one adult and two children, our drama was definitely minimal (aside from Cade’s mentioned above.)  We scheduled our time wisely. Kept plenty of medication for whatever ailed us on hand and luckily no one broke anything or came worse for the wear.  But we did have one pretty major incident.  *drum roll please*  Mommy fell down the stairs.  It was 2am the first night in Chicago at my father in laws.  Cade was walking in front of me on the stairs and mommy fell from the very top.  No I wasn’t drinking or on drugs or anything else.  And contrary to the kids’ dad, I did not do it on purpose hoping to break my neck and be paralyzed or worse dead.  But I did fall – all the way down, head first, landing on my head/neck.  And I have the bruises all over my body still to prove it.  But no other damage.  And miraculously, somehow, I did not hit Cade on my fall down.  The paramedics came, I chose not to go to the hospital and am fine.  Maybe I’ll write on this more later, but please don’t make fun of me too much

I think that sums up my bulleted points.  And I feel better to have almost completed a post now.  So I’m going to close and head out to pick up the munchkins from homeschool co-op.  We are still getting settled back in and must get some groceries in the house today before it starts snowing again *blah

More later, your black and blue friend,

~hope

I just checked the timestamp of my last post – egad!  I can’t believe it’s been so long.  But I do have a VERY reasonable excuse – we’ve been really sick around here.  And today is the first day in over two weeks that my ears aren’t clogged, you know that feeling you get when the plane takes off.  Yes, every day, all day for the last two weeks.  Just miserable.

So this post is just to remind myself that I need to write here again soon.  Have much to say -

1. Blizzard of 2010
2. Work Woes
3. Super mom complex or better yet Flop mom these days

Yes, lots has happened even though we’ve been pretty much holed up since Hannah first came down with her sickies.  Did spend the last several days at my parents because I was just exhausted and our house on the hill was pretty scarey with all the ice.

But for today, I must get out and prepare for more snow and ickiness.  Need groceries, need a blender (another long story) and definitely need some movies to tide us through so more lock down days.  (Definitely one of those times, I wish I splurged on cable.)

More later . . .

~hope

You might not know this, but I am actually a published author.  Yes, it may have been from high school and yes, it was written under duress as a school assignment, but even so it was published.  It’s amazing how those long ago rewards and memories stay with us.

Now, in the same train of thought, I wrote a letter not so long ago and I sent out to lots of friends and family and got quite a bit of positive feedback on how well I wrote.  Again, has stuck with me.

Most of my life, my writing has been in my journals, on scraps of paper as thoughts have followed and then online in 3 or 4 different online journals.  And every once in a while I pull those out and read back a few years or decades, whatever suits the mood at the time.

And every time, my writing elicits not only the feelings that I am sure I was feeling at the time but also embarrassment with “what was I thinking” or awe at “wow, I was brilliant.”  Unfortunately, most of the time its the embarrassment that floods me.

So here I reflect on what tomorrow’s holiday means to me and I think back to those historical moments in my life that might be captured and reviewed by someone else on my passing and I know . . . wow, MLK was a great man.  His writings were continually passionate about peace, equal rights and the direction our country needed to head.

The most recent news about him has been about his children squabbling over the publication of his personal letters, writings and artifacts.  I wonder if they think, like me, that those random scribblings might cause embarrassment and tarnish this very clear image we have of him.  His “I have a dream . . . ” speech is recited and memorized by school children all over the nation.  His image is clear as a strong set on civic disobedience to achieve a greater good for all.

But behind it all, there was a man.  A family man, a man who was once a boy and a man who crossed paths with such organizations as the KKK and Black Panthers whose philosophies differed quite sharply from his own.  I’m sure as he saw the world in a totally different than era than me and with so much political and racial unrest that his private meanderings did at times steer toward the inevitable angry tirade over injustice or desire to do physical harm to those that hurt others.

But what is important when you review a man (or woman) is not those random ramblings that might surface, is not the individual pieces but the collective as a whole.  Martin Luther King stood firmly behind his “I have a dream . . . ” philosophy.  He lived it, he taught it and he inspired it in others, and it has initiated positive change in individuals, organizations, racial groups and our country.  One person can make a difference.

So today’s thought . . . what do you stand for?  What do you want people to remember when you are gone?  And what are you doing about making that memorable?  I definitely need to think about this in my own life.  It’s not a race thing, it’s a personal thing, wherever you are.

Have you had days that you just wanted to get through so you could get on with the next one?  What about months?  I’ve had all of the above and then some.  Prior to this past couple of years, my schedules were focused around regularly scheduled trips scattered throughout the year.  I was never without a trip of some sort in sight.  Some were HUGE like a month in Europe, some were small like a weekend in DC just three hours away, but nevertheless, my whole outlook in life revolved around those trips.  I lived for them, counted down and put on a full court press to get to them . . . and as soon as one was done I was counting down to the next.

Due to changes in circumstances with married life, kid life, work life, just life in general, my travels have essentially ceased and deceased.  And I’ve come to the point where I am really feeling it.  Prior to graduating from college, I had moved 18 times by my last count.  I am ‘rootless’ girl in every sense of the term.  Whenever someone would ask me “where’s home?” my smart aleck (yes, always a smart aleck) reply was “wherever my stereo is.”  And in alot of ways that is still true.  Granted, I have quite a bit more baggage now with kids, computers, scrapbooks, etc. but seriously, I could get up tomorrow and just go and be fine.

In a recent revelation, my mom told them they finally stopped moving us because I didn’t handle change well.  Whoa, it only took 4 states, lots of random placed summers and . . . to figure that out.  And by then, I think I was too “damaged” to put down roots and here I am 35 years old and still rootless. And with a serious case of wanderlust hitting . . .

So now I sit to plan for some trips this year, I’ve got to or well, I’m not sure what, but I have a terribly strong inner need to just go.  And I’ve begun to think about my kids . . .

Since we (the kids and I) have moved 4 times in the last 12 months due to a variety of circumstances, I worry that they will become “rootless” too.  In fact, they may have been born that way . . . gotten it from me genetically somehow.  Why do I say that you ask? Well, you know how kids seem to have that one thing they attach too.  The one thing that if it gets left behind, they are lost and cannot sleep and cannot rest and generally scream until it’s returned.  Well, neither of my kids had that.  In fact, the only thing either of them seem attached to is, well me.

With a pending divorce it seems, I have been randomly day dreaming about moving again . . . far, far away.  Texas comes to mind most often, but nothing is certain.  And then I come back to this rootless thing.  I want more for my kids.  I want them to have kids they have known since forever.  I want them to have that history with people.  I want them to feel like they have a “home” or hometown or something like that.  I want them to feel like they belong somewhere.

I don’t think I will ever have any of that.  My home will probably always be where my stereo is.  So how do I give my kids more than that, stuff that I don’t even know about and still satisfy this insatiable wanderlust inside of me.  That is the question and it has started to plague me . . . because I definitely feel urge to jump in the car and just go more and more often these days.

(Luckily, I’m too practical to throw away the wonderful life we have right now, but in just over a year when my lease is up on this place . . . well, all bets are off!)  In the meantime, we are going to go see real SNOW next month.  And then in July, hit the rivers in Texas and wherever we find along the way.  I’m back . . . with two exciting trips to look forward too.  And that will tide me over for now . . . I hope!