Lots of exciting things have happened since I last posted here and after much thought I have decided that I need to really commit to this blog or redirect the attention elsewhere.  I have decided that building this blog is important to me and as such I need to put my money (time) where my mouth is.  So look forward to some exciting things and developments here over the next couple of weeks.

I am 35 years old and I don’t think anyone knows the deepest desires of my heart or the things I dream about at night and frankly have dreamed about for years.  Is that normal?  I mean, I realize I am original in many areas of my life – not having/wanting cable TV, homeschooling my kids, my crazy single mom road trips all the time, etc. – but is it normal to have no one really know you?  Do you?  Have someone that could stand up if you died and say “this is what this person wanted to accomplish most in this life” even if it wasn’t quite that time in your life . . . I don’t.

So with my latest health scare, I’ve been thinking more and more about that.  And more importantly the legacy I will leave to my children.  I mean, how a 4 and 5 year old view me now, that’s not all that I want them to know.  I scrapbook my love and adoration of them into their scrapbooks.  I tell of their family history in my heritage albums.  But nowhere is there a clear view of their mom’s heart and mind if I wasn’t here.  I think it’s important that they be able to know that someday.  Thoughts?

So now I turn to journaling in my nightly journal about me.  Just me.  So that someday, hopefully a LONG, LONG time from now when I am not here anymore, they can learn about me.  My dreams, desires and the things that drive me every day.

The last few months I have been very focused on HOME.  That word means so many different things to people.  For me, I have had a head designed in my head for years and years, even before I married and had kids.  Back then, it was to be a home full of teenagers that I fostered and gave a permanent home . . . not like the group homes where they are turned out at a certain age and then are left rootless.  Anyways . . .

I REALLY, REALLY want to be able to build my house.  It’s a very specific design and it’s very purposefully designed.  I have looked and looked at existing homes on the market and there is nothing even close to what I want, what is in my head.  I have to build it, it will be my and hopefully a lot of others “forever” home.

Tonight as I was sketching out lists and the sort as I try to organize a plan in my head to accomplish this, my son came in.  He asked what I was doing and I told him I was working on the home I want to build us someday.  Here is what my four year old said, “We need to build a hotel, Mom.”  So I’m thinking with our recent exposure to the hotels on our travels he likes the idea of pools and free, prepared breakfasts, etc. But when I ask him why a hotel he says, “So lots of people can stay with us, so people who don’t have a home could live with us.”  WOW!

Now, we have spoken of this type of thing as we have talked about taking in foster kids as I train for that in the coming months, but . . . I am in awe of him.  I am in awe that he is so generous.  And hopefully, just hopefully, maybe my kids can see my heart.  Maybe they can . . . now I have to figure out how to build our “hotel” house!

~hope

“It looks like you have had a stroke”

Those were the words calmly spoken by my local Med Express doctor on Sunday.  I just smiled and said “ok.”

What was I thinking??? Shouldn’t I fall apart and start tearing my clothes and whining about whoa is me?!  Shouldn’t I worry?  I did not.   I did none of those things.

I calmly walked out of the doctor’s office with the news that they would call me the next morning to tell me when to report for a CT Scan to assess the damage and went to Burger King to have lunch with my kids who had just gotten out of church after spending the night with their beloved Gramzi (my mom.)  Then I went home to meet Dre who was coming to take us spring clothes shopping for the kids and out to dinner at his favorite restuarant.

Then, at 9pm at night after the kids were tucked in, I sat down at my computer, pulled up WebMD, did my research and broke down.  A TIA, iso-something and some other kind of stroke.  Treatments, causes, chances of reoccurrence.  I was totally and completely freaked out.

A new pain, behind my right ear, oh no, I”m doing to die. So what did I do, call my mom, of course.  In her compassion, she says “Well, if you need to go to the hospital, drive the kids over here and I’ll watch them for you.” WHAT!!!!!  I’m having a stroke, I’m dying and you tell me “drive the kids over here” . . .

Ok, but that post is not about that.

So it’s 3 days later.  I’ve had all the blood I have available drawn out of me on two separate occassions.  Got brain x-rayed with a CT scan with a lovely and very painful drip of dye going in through my arm and spent two hours at a neurologist who originally told me they couldn’t see me until the end of April.

Now I’m to go tomorrow to have a brain MRI.  And the really lovely thing about it . . .

Well, I got a call today by the lab, who mind you I have already visited twice in the last two days.  They wanted to verify my information . . . again!  And then to tell me that the test was going to cost me $2500 dollars out of pocket before my insurance, who we pay over $1000 per month for (and NEVER use) would not cover it.  Are you kidding me?!?

So I promptly called the neurologist to ask if this test was absolutely necessary because I’m certain I’ve spent a couple months salary on the tests and dr. visits already.  They didn’t call me back, of course.  But I, in my infinite wisdom and desire to defy all odds, have decided that I am not dying.

My face may be a bit wonky, but I’ve had that before (Bell’s Palsy in 2002) and I may inadvertently bite my tongue when I chew or spit things out on accident.  But I am not paying $2500 for this stupid test!!!!  End of discussion.  I don’t know if I’ve had a stroke.  I figure my Bell’s Palsy has returned.  And I’m not going to spend my vacation money for the summer on this crap.

I’m sure the medical professionals I have seen are great and care about my health as much as they do anyones.  But I think more importantly they are COVERING THEIR A** in case something else is going on.  I will take full responsibility.  This is my testament to that.

And now, we will resume regular every day programming on this channel and in my life!

To your health,

~hope

You might not know this, but I am actually a published author.  Yes, it may have been from high school and yes, it was written under duress as a school assignment, but even so it was published.  It’s amazing how those long ago rewards and memories stay with us.

Now, in the same train of thought, I wrote a letter not so long ago and I sent out to lots of friends and family and got quite a bit of positive feedback on how well I wrote.  Again, has stuck with me.

Most of my life, my writing has been in my journals, on scraps of paper as thoughts have followed and then online in 3 or 4 different online journals.  And every once in a while I pull those out and read back a few years or decades, whatever suits the mood at the time.

And every time, my writing elicits not only the feelings that I am sure I was feeling at the time but also embarrassment with “what was I thinking” or awe at “wow, I was brilliant.”  Unfortunately, most of the time its the embarrassment that floods me.

So here I reflect on what tomorrow’s holiday means to me and I think back to those historical moments in my life that might be captured and reviewed by someone else on my passing and I know . . . wow, MLK was a great man.  His writings were continually passionate about peace, equal rights and the direction our country needed to head.

The most recent news about him has been about his children squabbling over the publication of his personal letters, writings and artifacts.  I wonder if they think, like me, that those random scribblings might cause embarrassment and tarnish this very clear image we have of him.  His “I have a dream . . . ” speech is recited and memorized by school children all over the nation.  His image is clear as a strong set on civic disobedience to achieve a greater good for all.

But behind it all, there was a man.  A family man, a man who was once a boy and a man who crossed paths with such organizations as the KKK and Black Panthers whose philosophies differed quite sharply from his own.  I’m sure as he saw the world in a totally different than era than me and with so much political and racial unrest that his private meanderings did at times steer toward the inevitable angry tirade over injustice or desire to do physical harm to those that hurt others.

But what is important when you review a man (or woman) is not those random ramblings that might surface, is not the individual pieces but the collective as a whole.  Martin Luther King stood firmly behind his “I have a dream . . . ” philosophy.  He lived it, he taught it and he inspired it in others, and it has initiated positive change in individuals, organizations, racial groups and our country.  One person can make a difference.

So today’s thought . . . what do you stand for?  What do you want people to remember when you are gone?  And what are you doing about making that memorable?  I definitely need to think about this in my own life.  It’s not a race thing, it’s a personal thing, wherever you are.