It feels like my life has done a 180, literally, since the last time I posted here.  Not that I haven’t longed to write in the interim, but no words could capture my jumbled emotions and racing thoughts of the last several weeks.  Now life has settled back down into a semblance of normalcy or maybe a new normalcy would be a better way to put it.  Some things have changed for the better, some for the worst and I’m not quite ready to talk here about any of it.  I’m not sure I ever will be.  There are just some things, some battles that must be done in private and oftentimes on bended knee.

So many tell you don’t take life for granted, so many say, learn from my experiences, but I don’t think you really can relate to either of these until life makes you stand up and take notice.  Mine has done that of late.  All my well laid plans for my work, my kids, our lives, well, lets just say, I will learn to relax now.  Or rather I have.  I cannot do everything, be everything and solve everything . . . as much as I want to and have tried to.

So here is what I can do:

1. Do my absolute very best at everything in that moment
2. Be flexible and open to changes
3. Continue to shoot for the stars in everything but be more than happy and satisfied if sometimes I can just barely stay on my feet
4. And most importantly, listen.  Listen to the needs of my children, in everything.  Listen to the needs of my soul.  Listen to the needs of those around me.

I had planned to spend this weekend catching up on work.  Cooped up in my office, staring at my computer screen and forcing my two beloved children to do what they do several hours every workday, outside my door just waiting for mommy to be done working.

But I didn’t.  Instead, I spent all day Saturday in the company of those same two children.

• We rolled coins that we have been saving for six months so that we can take a vacation.  (We are not there yet, but hopefully by summer time, we will really get to take a vacation.)
• We did laundry, 5 loads, washed, dryed and put away at least somewhat neatly.  (Just for the record, I don’t know if it’s the boy gene or the 4 year old age, but matching socks is not going to happen yet.)
• We baked “pretzels” in the Easy Bake Oven.  (Nope, I don’t think either of them ate more than the first bit and frankly I don’t blame them.)
• We made dinner and ate it watching a cartoon movie.  (Boy will I be glad when they are old enough for at least PG/PG-13 movies.)

And without prompting, my angel son said, “this is the best day ever.”

So with that inside my head, I broke my Sunday afternoon tradition of “mommy nap time” and spent the entire afternoon with my children.  We smiled and laughed and we scampered about outside in the FREEZING cold trying not to step on cracks so Lave Girl wouldn’t spray us with lava.  We looked at EVERY SINGLE animal they have in the pet store.  And my most precious princess was able to finally fulfill her year long dream of having a DS using her very own hard earned and saved money.  No words can describe how proud of her I am or how much I enjoyed our day together today.

No matter what challenges are thrown at me.  No matter how hard and bleak life sometimes feels.  I know without a single solitary doubt that I am not alone.  I know that my kids are not alone.  And I know there is a greater plan than I could ever even imagine.

I hope if you are reading this that you know that too.  Sometimes, it’s hard to feel, to find.  Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel, well, it’s just not there.  But it is, just have faith and in the worst of times, a quick trip to the knees can make a huge difference, even if it’s just for the “peace that passes all understanding” because sometimes, nothing else makes any sense.

Sometimes, when the sky is falling on you and there doesn’t seem to be anywhere to turn, you have to stop and count your blessings:

1. Amazing clients
2. Children that fill my heart with love
3. Family that is there til the very end
4. Heat in the house on a very cold day
5. A Christmas gift of a video camera that allows you to capture the moments however fleeting they may be (thanks, Dad, perfect timing!)

Count your blessings every day. Enjoy every moment with those you love. And the old adage, do not go to bed angry because you do not know what tomorrow brings.

Counting my silver lining on dark clouds today.

~hope

I was late to absolutely everything today: my 10:30am appt with a new accountant I’m scouting, my 12:30pm with my kids at their end of year party at homeschool co-op, my 2pm conference call after a two week hiatus with a client and the kids 3:30pm karate class.  Completely insane!  And there was very little that I could have done about any of it.  Have you ever had a day like that?

Many of my clients are harping on SEO for their site, new site updates and marketing their businesses.  What’s amazing is that this is coming from my marketing clients too.  It must be in the water.  So last night, instead of working on projects I should have been working on, I was looking at marketing and public relations sites and tips.

Here I am 15+ years out of high school, through my bachelors, through my masters and a solid 10 years of corporate world experience behind me and I’m just now and I do mean just now finding things that I wish I’d paid attention to in class or done more research on or just knew more about.  I have skated and I do mean skated through these first few years.  I can answer most any questions posed to me by a client with a solid answer, pull together most any project, anytime with little to no assistance and have been amazed at how quickly my business has grown.

And yet, only now, do I really wish I had the time to really “study” some new avenues.  There just aren’t enough hours in the day for all that I want to do, all that I want to learn and all that I can invision (is that a word?)  I’ve finally turned that corner.

I think I’m ready to call myself an adult.  I think I’m there now.  And frankly, never before have I thought that.  But for the first time, I can see clearly.

Now, let’s be clear, in no way do I think that:

• I have done this all by myself up to this point – between God and lots of earthly blessings, I have gotten a great education and lots of experience; nor
• Has the road been with out major roadblocks and bumps, but I’ve always see the glass half full even in the worst; and
• Think that now that I see clearly everything is rosy. I have a very hard road and lots of sacrifices in front of me to be on the top of my mountain.

What’s your mountain?  Have you found it?  So I guess in addition to my altruistic goals I’m always spouting I need to set some very practical, very obtainable goals.  Going to have to think on this . . .

~hope

My kids are hilarious.  I love Yankee candles and enjoy burning them whenever we are home (and I don’t forget to light them.)  But everytime I need them blown out, there is a HUGE fight over who gets to do it.  And now, I’ve figured out why . . . they think they get a “birthday” wish.  Ah, the logic of a 4/5 year old.  I have no idea what it is they could be wishing for as they have to be at the top of the list for spoiled . . . but they do.

So today, I asked Hannah what she wished for and after himming and hawing about she couldn’t tell because it wouldn’t come true (who has been teaching them this stuff!) she spilled.  She wished for a mommy that didn’t have to work anymore.  My heart just broke.

And I immediately launched into the reasons why mommy (and daddy) had to work.  The food, the house, the toys, the . . . stuff.  All the logical reasons that should surely change her mind.  Nope, didn’t budge it not one tiny bit.

So tonight after karate and family night at Chick-Fil-A and during the family chore of laundry, I started thinking.  Would I not want to work anymore if that was an option?  I mean, lots of people do it, especially now.  I hear about it every day from my dad who is hiring and interviews and hires most every day and then the people don’t show up.

We know what it is, they just have to do it to continue receiving their unemployment . . . and that irks him and me to no end.

But I’m not innocent, I suppose.  Several years back, for the first time in my life, I was out of a job and in the situation where I didn’t have to work AND I had my severance pay coming in for 6 months.  We let the nanny go and with the money from the government and without having to pay her, we were in the same situation financially EXCEPT, I had complete and utter responsibility for my home and the kids.

My house should have been immaculate – it wasn’t.  My kids should have been overwhelmed with my loving attention – they weren’t. I should have been relaxed and excited when my husband came home – not a chance.

I resented the “adult” time he got.  I hated cleaning my house. And the TV sucked my time away along with daily nap time with the kids.  It was not a good place for me.  Needless to say, not long after this experience, I found the world of virtual assistance and thought I had died and gone to heaven.

Now, 4 (I think) years later, I have everything I could want.  I get to be a stay at home mom.  I get my job and the affirmation I get from that.  AND I make enough to pay another hard working mom to come clean my house 1x per week.

With all that said, my daughter is now wishing for a mom that didn’t work.  It hurts and I’m not sure how to reconcile it.  I eat every meal with my children.  I go to every event and activity.  I teach them. I snuggle them every night.  And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.  So am I supposed to just brush it under the rug and tell her that’s life.  Or do I need to evaluate this tightened schedule we have and make some more time for my children.  Some unplanned time.  So that somehow, someway, they know, deep down that they are the most important thing in the world to me and everything that I do is for them.

Ah, now if I knew the answer to this . . . well, I think I could bottle and sell it to every other hardworking mom out there who has this same tug in her heart for her children.  But for now, I know.  I can’t speak to my five year old daughter with logic about bills and money, but I must find a way to speak to her heart.  She’s listening, I know she is. And this is a time to teach this, because I am certain that someday she will find herself in the same struggle.

~hope

Counting my blessings in an on-going theme in my life lately.  And while I am a very committed Christian and think/hope I have deep faith in God’s grace and the sacrifice his Son made for my sins . . . I do grow quite irritated with those who end every conversation with God Bless You or Jesus is Good or the variety of other over the top (in my opinions) overt expressions of what feels like pushy faith to me.  Since I’ve really come into my own spiritually, I’ve wanted my life and actions to be my Christian example and not the pushy preaching that so many seem to push.

Now don’t get me wrong, you ask and I’ll tell you what I think, but I was preached at alot growing up (missionary kid) and frankly I think it makes people turn a deaf ear and not take what you are saying to heart.  In ever matter, action is said to speak louder than words and I think this is especially pertinent when it comes to faith.

So back to my blessings.  As a pretty much single mom and by that I mean, completely independent of financial/physical or emotional support from a significant other/spouse/father of my kids, everytime I feel cold, I think of my heat bill.  Every time we want to go eat, I think about how many hours I have to work to pay for it.  You get my point.  This has really begun (and beginning it is) to make a change in alot of my spending and thinking habits.  I am becoming frugal.

I am making wiser decisions with my money, changing (trying to) my habits and in general counting my blessings for what I do have.  I have a car in good working order that I own outright.  I technically could turn my heat up to keep my toes from freezing, but I’m learning to put on more clothes or suck it up (like this minute.) I am looking forward to Christmas without too much trepidation that  I know is facing many families this year.

But even without those monetary blessings, there is so much more.  My kids are happy, healthy and I couldn’t be prouder of the little people they are becoming.  I have my hair. The leaves are beautiful outside.  I live down the street from a wonderful little park.  So many things to be greatful for.

What about you?  Are you concentrating on your blessings?  Every day, that is when I do it – everyday I count my blessings.  Try it. It will make a difference – if anything your hope will rise (couldn’t resist that play on my name.)

~hope