Control is a big thing for me. Having control of my life gives me freedom, which in turn gives me a high like nothing else in life. When I say my life I mean, the things that pertain to my body or have an affect on the direction my life is taking. By doing this I can take responsibility for my actions, if I choose not to exercise and eat poorly, I only have myself to blame when I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see. Conversely, if I choose to sit down and write a list of things to do for the day, I accomplish my goals and life is less hectic, at the end of the day I can own that I did well.

In a recent Body Talk session I came to realize that when I feel like I have no control, or limited control, of my life I have a tendency to exert control over others or manipulate them so I feel empowered. For example telling my kids to pick up their room (not unreasonable), then telling them they have to stop laughing because they couldn’t possibly be doing as I asked if they were enjoying themselves (unreasonable not to mention down right mean), or in more subtle ways like withholding sex (even if I was in the mood), money (for our retirement fund), or affection (ignoring him to watch a TV show I don’t even like) from my spouse. This was not a pleasant thing to realize about myself. Free will is a core value of mine and for me to consciously or unconsciously stifle somebody-else’s is almost unforgivable. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I can only hope that by recognizing this about my self I can start working on actively eradicating this behavior.

During the session I made a good start by becoming aware it, taking responsibility or owning it, and beginning to forgive myself for it (which is the most difficult part for me personally). But as I said it’s just a start, to that end I have begun researching my personal library and the Internet for things to help me. Thankfully an immediate solution came to mind in regards to helping me to not pass on this behavior to my children. My kids went to a Montessori school that used rugs to help teach personal boundaries. It gave the kids a safe space that was theirs alone to play in or work in that no one was to touch or disturb without their permission. I am going to start using the rugs at home, making sure to designate a space for my husband and myself as well. Maybe by giving myself and them a sacred place to control as we see fit it will help us all respect others a bit better too.

One thing is patently clear, I need to be more honest with myself about my feelings and recognize when I feel out of control so I do not continue this self-destructive pattern of behavior.